It just so happens that two of the recent movies my family received via Netflix were “The Help” and “Glory Road”. In addition, several folks I follow on twitter have posted links to articles regarding the double standard applied to male and female online critics. All this, in addition to the Trayvon Martin fiasco, has caused me to reflect on the depth of hate some people feel.
I’m talking about people who automatically hate others based on some arbitrary classification like race or gender, people who go about threatening those they hate, people who actively go about trying to make others miserable. For the purpose of this post let’s call these folks Haters (I know it is unoriginal but bear with me).
So, with my limited wisdom, from my limited experiences, these are my tips for how to avoid being a hater.
Kill the White Boy
When I served as a Mormon missionary in New York I was assigned to work in Bushwick, Brooklyn. A wonderful gentleman I had met earlier on my mission asked that I come discuss the church with him. He lived in Crown Heights. In order to attend those appointments we rode our bikes through Bedford –Stuyvesant. This was in the late 80's, not too long after the Howard Beach incident, and it was not uncommon that the journey from Bushwick to Crown Heights included one of more groups of black young men chasing us, throwing bottles at us, and shouting at us, “White boy! Kill the white boy!” I could have easily let that experience taint my view of all blacks. If I had, I would have deprived myself of some of the greatest relationships in my life. I worked as a counselor (basically his second in command) to a black man in the young men’s organization at church. The head of my current congregation is black and my oldest son’s best friend is black. So here’s my first tip: don’t let someone else’s hate turn you into a Hater. Just because someone hates you doesn’t mean you have to hate them back.
First Impressions
One of my former bosses was Indian (yes I, mean from India not a Native American). It was my first experience working with an Indian and I couldn’t stand him. He treated everyone who worked for him like garbage. People told me it was because he was Indian. They said, Indian’s are great as employees but stink as bosses because they come from a culture with a class system. Later in my career, I had the opportunity to sit next to an Indian man who was my superior. Not only was he Indian but he was Islamic. This was well after 9/11 and many “Christians” frowned on his habit of attending mid-day Friday prayers. The truth is, he’s a great guy. He cared about people and worked to make the business environment better. I consider him a friend that I never would’ve had if I had listened to others or let my first experience be my only experience. So my second tip is: Make your own evaluation of each individual. Don’t let others determine the way you evaluate each person you meet.
Confessions
I was “that kid” in middle school. You know the one; the kid that no one likes, the know-it-all, the one who wants everyone to follow the rules. Yeah, that was me. Confession time, I tell most people that I was in a fight at least once a week when I was growing up. The truth is I was beat up at least once a week and for most of sixth grade I was beat up every day. When it was only one person I would fight back, but when it was more than one person I generally tried to run or just curled into a protective ball. To this day I have to make a conscious effort not to prejudge popular kids. I have met some truly exceptional kids where we live now, kids who go out of their way to befriend the outcast, kids who work hard to make sure no one is left out. If I hadn’t made a concerted effort to get to know these kids, my own kids would have missed out on many great experiences. So my third tip is: Be aware of your own preconceptions so you can keep yourself from prejudging others.
Empathy Rocks
I guess I don’t have one specific example for my last tip but I have certainly found it useful in my life. Try to empathize with those you meet. Generally, when I have a disagreement with someone it is because they know either more or less about the topic. When I empathize with them I am able to learn what they know that I don’t or what facts I have that they don’t. It doesn’t always mean you will agree, but empathy goes a long way to purging hate. For instance, I understand why I was chased as a missionary. It doesn’t mean I agree with it, but I understand why they were angry and understanding that makes it hard to feel animosity toward them.
Finally, I want to recommend that any Haters reading this GET A GRIP.
I saw one blog comment this past week that said a woman should be “raped to death” for her derogatory blog post. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when other women complained about it, several men defended those hateful comments because they thought the blogger had crossed some imaginary line.
I thought, “HOLY CRAP! Are you out of your mind?”
That’s as INSANE as saying the white kids in Howard Beach were within their rights to kill the black kids who entered their neighborhood.
It’s as SILLY as saying someone who believes in God shouldn’t be in politics.
It’s as RIDICULOUS as stalking Trayvon Martin because he was black and wearing a hoody.
What a boring world it would be if we all looked the same, thought the same, and talked the same.
I am no bastion of truth but there are a lot of people I love. Many of them are different from me, different race, difference gender, different religion, different politically. But, I admit that many of my childhood experiences have left me somewhat apathetic to humans as a whole. So I’m striving to have more compassion for everyone in general rather than just specific individuals.
The point is that hate comes in all shapes and sizes. Look inside yourself. Determine what hateful preconceptions you espouse. Then find a way to overcome them so you aren’t part of the problem, so you aren’t a Hater.
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